‘The art of communication is the language of leadership’ James Humes
In my opinion; Sam Horn’s book, Tongue Fu, is one of the most influential books about communication. I believe that the book, which contains many practical, applicable suggestions, should be read by all mankind. If this utopia could come true and everyone in our world would read this book, the disagreements among the people could be reduced. There is an anonymous saying “Everyone gives the most value to itself.” And what about the value we give to the other people? Do we give them the value we give ourselves? The secret to being a good communicator lies right here. If we value the people we are in contact with and use the right words to show it, it is very easy to establish successful relationships.
Let’s revive a scene; you have agreed with your child not to enter the house with shoes. But despite this rule, without taking off his shoes, he entered the house. Moreover, it is a rainy day, and his shoes are very muddy. Mud splashes all over. You’re getting mad. What would you tell your child? One of the most common mistakes is to exaggerate the situation. Especially when we are angry, we tend to exaggerate the current situation. “I’ve told you a thousand times that you can’t get into the house with your shoes.”, ”Do you like what you do, now I’ll have to clean up all day.” as in examples. Do these words do anything other than making your child feel guilty and unhappy? Unfortunately no. And it doesn’t prevent him from repeating the same thing most of the time. In adults, the situation may be even worse: If you tell your partner or friend; “Didn’t I tell you a million times to lift the toilet cap?”, you usually encounter resistance and you hear various excuses.
One of the most harmful situations; to speak with abusive style or use derogatory expressions.If you use expressions like; ”Are you an idiot?” or “You’re so stupid, you can’t keep three simple things in your mind?” or “You were like that when you were little. You don’t even understand simple things.”, you can cause a conflict, and your day can become tense due to a simple matter. Worse; you may cause serious damage to your relationship with your child, spouse or friend. So, what is the reason? Choosing the wrong wording.
Another communication error is to use accusatory language. If you use an accusatory statement such as; “I’m late to school because of you.” or “The reason I couldn’t pass the lesson is that you always keep me busy.” people will defend themselves. The purpose of communication can be to discuss but not to enter a dead end. Therefore, it is wise to avoid accusatory statements. But if the opposite is the case, and the person we are communicating with accuses us, how can we get out of this? Sometimes ignoring may be a good solution. But there may be situations where you have to answer. If it is not possible to keep silent, we can reflect the accusation back with a question and allow the person to rethink the sentence. For instance; what can we do, if our roommate makes a provocative sentence like “You always make the house messy. I’m tired of collecting your clutter.”? First of all, we need to know; Setting up using defensive phrases is perceived as excuses! Therefore, it creates an urge to attack in the other person. Instead of this; you can remember the fact that generalization sentences do not reflect the true thought, and it is necessary to try to reveal the underlying reason. In this example, “Do you really think that I don’t clean the house at all? or “Didn’t you notice the cleaning I did last week?” with a similar question sentence, it can be ensured that the person can reconsider the sentence he has told. Another method (according to our relationship status); asking it more clearly and openly: In this example, we can say; “I’m absolutely sure that you think I am also attentive about our house. What’s the real reason that bothers you?”
Some suggestions that will effectively work in daily life;
1- Do not make sentences that people feel humiliated.
2- Avoid negative sentences as much as possible. They negatively affect the atmosphere of the environment.
3 – The accusatory sentences cause the speech to become tense. The person you accused feels the need to defend himself. Your chances of finding a common way are reduced.
4- When we encounter accusations, it is a good strategy to respond with a question and to walk around the situation. Acting defensively and trying to explain our personal reasons, just extends the discussion.
Our wording, voice tone, voice volume, and facial expression are effective in our communication success. I hope that you all will have a life that you use the effect of words on your benefit.